I could post this picture and tell you that Monday is off to a great start. I could share how I grabbed a cup of coffee and am ready to have such a productive week in here. And I could share a lot of reasons why this room is one of my favorites in our home. And yes, that all would have truth behind it. But to you, the viewer, the stranger, the friend, that doesn’t see the every day, the every minute behind this photo, all that might do is creep another lie in your head that you may be believing from just looking at the “put together” of other peoples lives. Lies that I used to believe and still struggle to fight off.
Monday’s that I could barely get moving because of the exhaustion of my weekends. Monday’s that I felt crippled with anxiety, barely having enough strength and belief in myself to get out of bed and not fear the “to do list” that week. Monday’s that I was sinking from the pressure to perform well in this business of mine. These were the Mondays that the last thing I needed was to see perfectly composed photographs with perfectly placed coffee mugs, and bibles opened, a candle burning next to it, and a beautifully balanced “to do list” laid out in other peoples worlds. Now, hear me out friend. I celebrate the heck out of people and friends whose days or start to their weeks, look like that, because I have shared in that feeling and days that truthfully are just off to a wonderful “dream” of a start. But more times than not, it certainly did not and doesn’t look like that.
You see this office space is full of light and colors that calm me, chairs that are comfy and welcome my clients in with love. I may have gone a little crazy spreading gold feathers everywhere, and my gallery wall may be exactly what I pictured, simple, and beautiful, yet tells a story. This space is where I feel inspired, where I dream big, work hard and discover the more of God. But I want you to know and understand is that this office also holds a lot of tears, a lot of late nights, and mornings that make “unproductive” the biggest understatement in the world. This office holds doubt, and my insecurities. Those chairs hold some hard “No’s,” rejection, and times the Lord closed the door on a couple I really wanted. My desk has held my face planted face down as I sat feeling like every creative fiber in me was burned out. My gallery wall has held my tearful glances as it at times was solely used as a reminder that I was meant for this, when I didn’t believe I was. The floors hold memories of me having nothing left in myself but to simply get on my knees and ask the Lord for direction and strength. These walls have heard my voice cry out against the lies I believe, repeating to myself “I am enough” when the world tells me everyday I step foot in here, “Try harder Cam.”
My heart behind sharing these words is that you would know or be reminded that a whole lot of life happens behind the pretty glimpses you see. I am so sick of people believing the perfect. It is nothing but an empty chase, one that will wear you out as you run towards nothing but a lonely dead end.
So to you: reader, viewer, stranger, or friend. My prayer is that you would feel safe in whatever “Monday” or any day you are having. You are not alone in the struggle of welcoming the realness of life with open arms in a world that says “Close them, perfection is only welcome.” When you feel like the level of productiveness needs to define the kind of day you had, remember your day is one that the Lord made and He will make a purpose out of the unexpected or unwanted mess it brought. The days that feel like a dream and the ones that feel like such a battle, know that He uses both. One for praise and rest, and one for a deep hunger for Him, revealing to us that He is the place of rest.
He sees it all. He sees the pretty light, and the comfort of your space, the gold feathers, and the fight to tackle everything on your plate. But He also sees, YOU. The messy, beautiful, broken, restored, burned out, creative tired, energized, dreamer YOU. So be still in your hustling and wrestling, and know that a perfect God completely adores and welcomes your imperfect self, gently whispering in all the noise, “You are enough.”